Let’s picture it… You accidentally forgot to set your alarm and wake up already running a little late. You go into the kitchen to brew up your coffee and you realize you started it without putting your mug underneath, and now not only do you have no coffee, but its all over the counter. The weather is crummy, you go to wake up your kids and they aren't budging. You get everyone in the car and realize you have no gas. Is your blood boiling yet?
We have all been there. Some days it just feels like one stressor after another and we struggle to prioritize and juggle it all and suddenly our nervous systems are on over-drive. Now imagine nothing seems to be going right, and your little one is refusing to get out of the car at drop off. I am willing to bet you are much more likely to lose your cool on this morning vs. the morning where you get up smoothly, and the whole house feels like a well oiled machine. But let me offer you the single most important tool in your toolbox when you are working with kids- stay regulated. Do whatever you need to to keep your cool, even when you can feel your heart-rate rising and every day is feeling like Mercury Retrograde.
Don’t get me wrong- I know this is no small order. We are not immune to our stressors and triggers and it is only human to sometimes feel at least a little dysregulated. But the reason I am calling this the single most important tool is because we as people feed off of the emotions of those around us. It's a term called emotional contagion and basically what this means is that an escalated adult cannot de-escalate an escalated child… or an escalated anyone. We can be pulled into others' stresses and challenges, but they can also be impacted by ours. If we lose our temper or find ourselves ready to just fly off the handle, that is going to lead to more stress and a heightened reaction from those around us. So basically, if a child is having a hard time for any reason; not getting out of bed, refusing to put shoes on, and you start yelling, the chances of you being able to work through this situation quickly and smoothly have just significantly decreased. Nothing we do to support people in sticky moments will ever be a magic wand. I used to joke about this all the time when I was constantly called into crises, that everyone wanted me to wave my magic wand and POOF, the problem would cease to exist. But I can tell you the closest thing to magic you will ever have in your back pocket is to keep your cool. A level head is going to be the thing that gets us farthest together, and while it may not mean that the challenge is fixed right away, it definitely won't be contributing to the problem.
I know what you’re going to say next… easier said than done. I know every single one of us goes into the day with best intentions and best-laid plans. Even if the day before was an epic disaster, we vow to ourselves that the next day will be better. No more yelling, sticking to the bedtime routine, less screen time. The list goes on. But the good news is, we can learn to exercise our self-regulation, work it harder and make it stronger. The more we breath deep and keep ourselves under control under pressure, the easier it gets. We can weaken those neuropathways in our brains that send us right into fight or flight (because guess what, that is what is happening when we lose our temper). And on the flip side, while we are weakening those neuropathways that send our cortisol pumping, we are simultaneously strengthening the ones that keep us thinking rationally and keep us focused on the task at hand. So just being aware of when we are starting to feel ourselves getting heated and taking a step back and cooling off for a second helps build our tolerance to these stressful situations next time.
And honestly, I am not asking you to be perfect. I never would. I promise you that I yell at my toddler, and DEFINITELY yelled at some of my students in the past. After that happened, guess what I did. Not beat myself up, not add another stressor to my plate. I apologized. Yes, apologized. To the child. I let them know that what I did wasn’t helpful and it wasn’t fair to them. Because as important as it is to maintain our self-regulation, we know a part of the human experience is that we don’t always. So we teach to repair, and we aim to model something better next time.
As I said previously, I am aiming to give you the single greatest tool in your toolbox. Self-regulation. Nothing is magic, but this is as close as you’re going to get when emotions are running high. And a cool science fact for you- cortisol is our stress hormone. It is what is coursing through our bodies when we are angry and frustrated and yelling and screaming. And chemically, guess what combats cortisol? Oxytocin. The love hormone. Feeling safe and supported is chemically proven to reduce the impacts of stress.
I know, so much science-y stuff. Cortisol, oxytocin, emotional contagion. Call it whatever you want, just always remember that calm and safety is going to trigger more calm and safety. And you can be that.
If you want more help with self-regulation, book a coaching session with me below!